Experiment #5 In Media Res

I sat in a little ball with my arms around my knees, holding them as tightly and as close to my chest as I possibly could. I could hear the fighting, the screaming, the gunshots in the distance, but I was supposed to wait here. So I waited. I kept tapping my foot incessantly. As I sat awaiting my doom, our doom.
My back was against a big oak tree. There were hardly any leaves on the tree, there were only a few that had not fallen yet. I looked up at the sky and saw clouds of smoke. Even in the dark they were visible. I had a large gash on my knee from my fall earlier today. It was starting to scab, so I started to pick at it. It helped relieve some of the anxiety I was having. A small amount of blood started to ooze out from the spot of the scab I had just picked. I watched the blood begin to slither down my leg. The gash didn't even hurt. Through all that I had endured these past two months it almost felt enjoyable, therapeutic even. This was the least amount of pain I had felt i…
I often stress about life, the past, the present, the what ifs of the future.

Am I pretty enough? Am I skinny enough? Am I kind enough? Am I witty enough? Am I sexy enough? Am I smart enough? Will I move like I want to? Will I graduate school? Will I ever find a lasting love? Will I ever get married? Will I get divorced? Will I get a good job? Will I be homeless? Will I be a loser? Will I ever have kids? Will I be a good mom? Will I travel the world? Am I a good friend? Am I a good partner? Will I be happy?

And then I remember just as quickly as I forget : I am the driver and I can drive anywhere I want to in my life. I choose whether I want to be happy, I choose my partner, I choose my career, I choose whether I move, or travel, I choose how I feel, I choose my life, no one else. I am an adult now and I am creating my life. I don't have to sit in the backseat anymore.

Experiment #7 Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop

Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop

Setting: Cafe restaurant right after the lunch rush.

Sarah: (Walking behind the counter where the registers are with her hands full of plates humming and singing. The plates make a loud crash as they are dropped into the food bin.)

Ricardo: (Peering over the food window) That was crazy my friend!

Sarah: I know! I am glad it is over. We got awesome tips though!

Ricardo: That is great! I can take my wife to a nicer restaurant this year. Are you doing anything for Valentines Day my friend?

Sarah: Sigh, no plans. I will probably rewatch season 3 of Sex and The City and order some takeout.

Caleb: (coughs behind the register)

Sarah: Oh I am so sorry, I didn't realize you were standing there. How are you doing today? (Clumsily rushes toward the register)

Caleb: It is no problem, I didn't mean to interrupt. I am doing well thanks...Happy Valentines Day.

Sarah: Thank you, you too. (smiles and pauses) What can I get for you?

Caleb: I will get the arugula…


It is so peculiar to think of all the complexities of the human soul, in others, and in ourselves. There are so many layers to a person, and so many different aspects of a person. We are all so confusing with our history, our insecurities, our hopes, our dreams, our fears, our disappointments.
I do not even fully know myself yet (will I ever?) and yet I try to figure out the depths of others. How silly.
Maybe that is easier at times? I don't even know why I do some of the things I do.
The beginning of this year has been extremely difficult.
The world shifts and moves so quickly. Everything changes so easily. If I look back a year, or even a month ago I had a completely different life and it seems to have happened in the blink of an eye.
Change is hard, but there is so much beauty in change. I need to remember that.
Change and grow and never stop.

Experiment #6

what was it like to grow up without church clothes?

what does it do for anyone to listen to a pervert in a sheet, telling you when to sit, when to stand, and when to speak?

does it teach a child to be kind to think they might go to the burning flames of hell if they choose to be blind?

does it teach compassion to be religious, or do you pass the homeless person begging for change?
do you continue to walk by staring at your $60 shoes making sure a glance is not exchanged?

can you tell me the difference

from the child that sits in church clothes every Sunday
and the child that runs and plays

pick flowers and pick weeds
pick lemons and pick oranges
climb a fence and climb a tree
what do you see?

fuck someone you love
fuck someone you don't
fuck someone who loves you
tell me the difference

wear your button up and fancy shoes everyday and then tell me did wearing church clothes on Sunday help you?

Goodbye old friend, until we meet again.

I am not ready.

I am not ready to say goodbye to the arms I would come home to every night.
The arms I would wake up in each morning.
The arms that were my home.
I am not ready to say goodbye to my best friend that I shared more of myself with than I have with anyone else before, even my own self.
My best friend who I laughed with, and cried with, who has seen the best of me and the worst of me.
I am not ready to say goodbye to the memories of far away new places, of nights in binge watching Netflix, of hours spent cuddling and talking, of listening and dancing to you playing piano, of lazy Sundays making omelettes together, of bike rides on the beach, of lunches twice a week, of time spent waiting for you to get home from work, of waking up next to you each morning, of scratching your beard, of kissing your head before I went to work, of running my fingers through your hair, of cooking you dinner, of listening to you ramble about computers, lights, cameras, and speakers, of texting y…

Experiment #4: time is a funny thing

time is a funny thing
sometimes it passes too slow
sometimes it flies by you
moments slipping through your fingers just as sand
years disappearing in the wind
moments of bliss fading all to quick
and now we fight and i cry rivers upon rivers
until my eyes are red like cherries
and as puffy as the pillow i lay my head upon while my legs and arms are wrapped around you
in those moments it seems as if time doesn't even exist
we are just two comets floating in space
traveling in different directions
maybe i shine too bright for you
maybe i move too quickly for you to catch up
or maybe you don't want to catch up
because you do not care to calm the hurricane
you are just angry that there is rain,
never - ending rain
but it is not really never ending
see i told you, time is a funny thing